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his is the
time of year when folks are visiting unfamiliar churches, either because they
are on vacation and find themselves in a strange town on Sunday, or they have
moved to a new city and are "church shopping". Either way, there is nothing more
disconcerting than to suddenly realize, while sitting in the middle of a worship
service, that this church is not what you expected it to be. Therefore as a
public service (and with tongue firmly in cheek), I am offering the following
top ten signs to help you recognize when your family has wandered into the wrong
church by mistake.
#10 – As
you enter the auditorium the usher greets you by asking, "Before I decide on
which side of the building to seat you, I need to know: Are you a
friend of the Hatfields or the McCoys?"
#9 – During
the worship service an announcement is made that a special contribution for the
building fund will be taken, since the city inspector has just notified the
congregation that its facilities have dangerously toxic levels of radon
gas.
#8 – As you
enter the building someone taps you on the shoulder and says, "Pardon me, but
you need to come back to the parking lot and move your car. You have parked in
MY spot." Then, after you return and your family is comfortably seated, someone
taps you on the shoulder and says, "Pardon me, but you need to move. You’re
sitting in MY pew."
#6 – The
minister is wearing a black hood and carrying a knife in one hand and a black
cat in the other.
#5 – The
minister is wearing a white hood and carrying a torch in one hand and a large
cross in the other.
#4 – The
minister is wearing a turban and chanting, "Death to America! Death to
America!"
#3 – After
the Bible class the teacher greets you with a friendly, "Say, you sure look
familiar! Were you by any chance in ancient Babylon two thousand years ago? I
think we may have met in one of my past lives!"
#2 – As you
walk down a hall you over hear one deacon whisper to another, "One of the
rattlesnakes has escaped, but I think we can round him up before the service is
over."
And the
#1 sign your family has definitely wandered into the wrong church:
When you sit down you notice that everyone else in the auditorium has a
shaved head, is wearing a purple robe, and says "Nanoo, nanoo" instead of
"Amen."
If you
should encounter any of the above signs you will want to quietly but quickly
make your way to the exit!
--Dan Williams
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