Today’s article on Proverbs 31 generates some interesting discussions. One reader asked:
“What if in reality your mom and wife both fall down to water and none of them can swim? Who should a husband save first no matter who asks you to save whom first? What does God teach about this?”
It's a classic sticky question in China. There is no right and wrong answer. It all depends on one’s relationship with his mother and wife, his conscience, and his faith in God.
“For a man in China, Wang Fei Guo, that was the dilemma he faced when he had to choose between saving his mother or his wife, after their boat tipped over. Neither his wife nor mother knew how to swim. And he had to choose between spousal duty and filial duty. He chose his wife, and saved her first. He was able to also save his mother, but just barely. The event sparked debate on the internet about whether he made the right choice. From the news article on the story:
Some were critical of the man saying that“you only have one mother in your life, but you can always get another wife,” while others defended him, citing the pragmatic “mother doesn’t have as many years left” argument.
Those who said Gao made the right choice wrote: “Wang made the right choice, you marry with the idea your spouse comes first. I think a good parent would (and should) accept this.”
Wang’s own father was outraged he didn’t save his mother first, but later accepted his decision, when Wang’s mother said she did not blame her son for his decision. It seems like an impossible decision to make, and really one that has no right answer. Wang was lucky in that both his wife and mother survived.”
My article was based on the scenario that the wife asked her husband. I don’t know what goes on in the wife’s mind when she asked that question. But I got the feeling that she was expecting her husband to say choose her. That’s a selfish wife. My answer was based upon a selfish wife and a loving mother. The husband could ask the question back to her: “Who do you think I should choose?”
Now, back to the question asked by a reader.
I assume in this case it is a virtuous wife and a loving mother. She asked: What does God teach about this?”
What does the Bible say?
Filial Duty:
Eph 6:2 Honour thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;)
Spouse Duties:
Mat 19:5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
Eph 5:28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
The word “cleave” means “to adhere to, stick to, or join with.” Your spouse is someone you CHOOSE. Out of every human being—billions of them—you choose that person.
In marriage, our spouse is #1, or we are doing it wrong. And yes, that includes our children. And yes, that includes our parents. Christ says leave your parents and cleave to your wife.
Yes, that idea makes some uncomfortable but that’s the Lord’s teaching. In marriage, the man has made his vow to love his wife first above everything else. He promised to love, honour and serve her for the rest of his life. The commandment to love his wife as his own body is never given to the son to his mother. To his parents, he is to perform the duty of filial piety – honour and obey his parents.
One man wrote about honouring parent and I find it interesting. He wrote:
“You honor your parents when you put your spouse first. You comfort them because they know you’re safe and secure and that their grandchildren are well cared for.
You honor your children when you put your spouse first. You teach them that they are, in fact, NOT the center of the universe and that the best way to live is to be aware of other people’s needs. You teach them what marriage is supposed to look like. You provide a safe and unbreakable home. You provide a lifelong foundation from which to build their futures.
You honor yourself when you put your spouse first. (I don’t like his reason for this and I omit his reason, JL) But I agree with his statement that we honour ourselves when we put our spouses first. It means we are not covenant breakers but we keep our marriage vows.
I like to add on to it:
You honour your spouse when you put her first. You give her comfort that you will honour your vow. You give her security and she will never regret that she has chosen you.
He continues: “Your parents will pass one day. It will be hard. You’ll carry on because your spouse is always first and he or she will carry you through the grief and transition. You will provide the same support for her or him.
Your children will move out one day. It will be hard. You’ll carry on because your spouse is always first and he or she will carry you through the major life adjustment. You will provide the same support for her or him.
And there you’ll be. In the future. Waking up every day seeking purpose and adventure.
And when we have spent years putting our spouse first, we won’t have to look very hard to find either.”( https://thoughtcatalog.com/matthew-fray/2017/07/the-uncomfortable-truth-on-if-you-should-love-your-spouse-your-parents-or-your-children-most/)
Our parent will leave us. Our children will leave us. At the end of life, there is only the two of us. Love your wife! Love your husband! You spouse should always come first in your life! Remember: You enter marriage with the idea that your spouse will be always first in your life from that day on.
I have a virtuous wife. She is always first in my life. Her happiness always comes first before mine. We love our children, but we love each other more. One by one our children will leave the nest. But she will be always here with me.
I hope my answer will help you make the right choice.
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